When a friend, gave me a slightly intoxicated effusive compliment about how gorgeous my newly white hair looked, my husband said when she’d gone,
‘You know she doesn’t mean it? What she’s actually saying is , you’re out of the game and no threat to her anymore.’
Well, hallelujah, he’s out of the game and no threat to me anymore. But, an immature man with a phobia of aging aside, I felt that he had touched on something. There was nothing disingenuous about my friend’s compliment but envy can narrow the eyes and tighten the jaw as one woman looks at another. Appraising each other’s beauty is a particularly female thing to do. This set me thinking. What do we do when the envy mood comes upon us?
Firstly, notice it. If something bitchy makes it as far as the frontal cortex, look with tenderness at what’s arising. We need to harness tenderness deliberately, because the envy mood only comes over us when we feel that we are lacking. As we wrestle with the forked tongue of envy, there can be an instantaneous backlash against ourselves. It’s like fighting a writhing snake - first it bites and hisses at her, then at me, then at her. Soothe and calm this wounded part of yourself. What medicine song can you sing for her so she can rise above the battle? I think it goes something like this:
I am beautiful, even on days I’m not feeling beautiful, I am beautiful.
She is beautiful.
I’m feeling ugly because I think she is more beautiful than me. We can be be beautiful together. I can let her beauty shine in me.
I can share my beauty with her.
My love radiates beauty.
I am radiating love to myself and love to her.
Find your own words, improvise.
Aging can make us feel deeply unsettled and if we’re unable to access our feminine life force as we move beyond the menopause, we can begin to feel half dead already, and seeing a younger woman in full bloom can amplify the terror of not being what we once were. Our sexuality, the way we’re perceived by men, our potency as human beings is often entwined with our perception of our beauty.
The moon has many phases, and we can not be the new moon, the full moon and the waning moon at the same time. For some women, she perceives her youthful beauty and blossoming sexuality as her peak, for me it was the full moon of motherhood when I felt most potent and in touch with the power of the feminine. Few in western culture, however, look upon the years of the waning moon with relish. If we want to age with grace, as the cliche goes, we must let age dance us, free us, shake loose the limitations to which we’ve inadvertently succumbed. Grace is fierce, spontaneous, wild, hearty. Grace gazes on the world with kind eyes, it looks within with tenderness and forgiveness. It treats men who mock an aging face with pity, and dances a sensuous jig with the divine masculine who knows his own maturing wisdom and power. Grace knows Woman to be a beautiful divine principle in the world and sees all women as her manifestation.
If the venom of envy gets beyond the brain, past the Observer, and makes it out of the voice box, do what you can to make amends. If it’s said behind the woman’s back, make it clear to those you’ve spoken to that what you’ve said isn’t ok. If it’s a supportive friend you’ve spoken to, ask her to help you see your beauty. Let her honesty be your medicine. To whatever she says, thank her.
I like your smile, thank you
The way you’ve done your hair is pretty, thank you
We’re not used to accepting compliments. Don’t undermine them by countering, ‘oh, but I hate my wonky teeth’ or ‘you’re kidding, I haven’t even washed my hair.’ Allow yourself to be seen and to be beautiful in the eyes of your friends.
If you’ve spoken envious words directly to another woman, reparation needs to be more thorough. An emotionally honest apology could sound like this, ‘When I said that you look like a prostitute in that skirt, I was feeling insecure and unhappy about myself and I’m sorry for being cruel to you.’
If the envy mood gets beyond our thoughts and into the manifest world, we must take hold of ourselves with a firm hand. We are responsible for creating the world we live in, and none of us want to be the subject of bitchiness. There is deep inner work to be done here. Healing the wounded inner child who is behind the venom, takes courage and commitment. I have found the tools of the Grief Recovery Method, have helped me, firstly to see what remains to be healed, and then to bring it to completion.
If you’re oppressed by the envy mood or struggling with the losses that attend the aging process, book a free call with me and find out how the Grief Recovery Method can bring peace to your heart.
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